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Apr 14, 2022 · A Guide to Setting Better Boundaries. Summary. Boundaries are limits we identify for ourselves, and apply through action or communication. When we define what we need to feel secure and healthy ...
Dec 27, 2023 · Determine healthy boundaries that you can clearly define. Mapping out boundaries for various aspects of your life takes time and diligence. Think about your relationships with your partner, parents and children; your job and co-workers; and your finances. Answer these questions to help you define the boundaries you want to set for yourself:
- How to build your own personal and emotional space
- Understand the nuts and bolts of boundaries
- Determine your borders by examining your rights and needs
- Become a boundary-setting boss
- How to recognize and honor other people’s boundaries
- Boundaries are here to help us
Our personal boundaries aren’t as obvious as a fence or a giant “no trespassing” sign, unfortunately. They’re more like invisible bubbles.
Even though personal boundaries can be challenging to navigate, setting and communicating them is essential for our health, well-being, and even our safety.
1. Boundaries improve our relationships and self-esteem
“Boundaries protect relationships from becoming unsafe. In that way, they actually bring us closer together than farther apart, and are therefore necessary in any relationship,” says Melissa Coats, a licensed professional counselor. Having boundaries allows you to make yourself a priority, whether that’s in self-care, career aspirations, or within relationships.
2. Boundaries can be flexible
Don’t draw your boundaries in permanent ink. It’s good to think about them occasionally and reassess. “When boundaries are too rigid or inflexible, problems can occur,” says Maysie Tift, a licensed marriage and family therapist. You don’t want to isolate yourself, avoid closeness altogether, or give up all your time to others. Creating boundaries that are too bendy is often common for women. Tift highlights the possibility that taking “an overly sacrificing approach to relationships creates imbalance or exploitation.”
3. Boundaries allow us to conserve our emotional energy
“Your self-esteem and identity can be impacted, and you build resentment toward others because of an inability to advocate for yourself,” explains Justin Baksh, a licensed mental health counselor. You don’t need to have the same boundaries or comfort level for everyone. Boundaries that let us have a different radius depending on the situation or person can also help you maintain enough energy to care for yourself. Understand that just because you may be happy to lend a hand to your best friend on moving day doesn’t mean you also have to do the heavy emotional lifting when someone texts about their latest drama.
Our boundaries are shaped by
•our heritage or culture •the region we live in or come from •whether we’re introverted, extroverted, or somewhere in between •our life experiences •our family dynamics Was this helpful? “We have all come from unique families of origin,” Kennedy explains. “We each make different meaning of situations. And we may change our own boundaries over the years as we mature and our perspective shifts. One standard cannot hold for all. Rather, each person needs to find that level of comfort within themselves.” You can investigate and define your boundaries with self-reflection.
1. What are your rights?
“It is important in setting boundaries to identify your basic human rights,” says Judith Belmont, mental health author and licensed psychotherapist. She offers the following examples.
Basic rights
•I have a right to say no without feeling guilty. •I have a right to be treated with respect. •I have a right to make my needs as important as others. •I have a right to be accepting of my mistakes and failures. •I have a right not to meet others’ unreasonable expectations of me. Was this helpful? Once you identify your rights and choose to believe in them, you’ll find honoring them easier. When you honor them, you’ll stop spending energy pacifying or pleasing others who dishonor them.
1. Be assertive
“If someone sets boundaries with assertiveness, it feels firm but kind to others,” Kennedy says. “If they push in to aggressive, it feels harsh and punishing to others. Assertive language is clear and nonnegotiable, without blaming or threatening the recipient.” You can be assertive by using “I statements.” How to use I statements I feel ____ when _____ because ____________________________. What I need is ______________________________________________. Belmont says, “I statements show confidence and good boundary setting by expressing thoughts, feelings, and opinions without worrying what others are thinking.”
2. Learn to say no
Even though it can be daunting to say, “No” is a complete sentence. We might be hesitant to say no without offering more info, but it’s not necessary, adds Steven Reigns, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “Sometimes assertiveness isn’t needed for boundary setting as much as personal tolerance for being uncomfortable.” You can say no without an explanation and without providing any emotional labor to the person you’re saying it to. If someone asks for your number or to dance, you can absolutely just say no. If a co-worker asks you to cover their shift, you can also say no, without offering any excuse.
3. Safeguard your spaces
You can also set boundaries for your stuff, physical and emotional spaces, and your time and energy without necessarily announcing it, too. The features on your tech devices offer some ways of doing this.
1. Watch for cues
“Noting social cues is a great way to determine another’s boundaries,” Reigns says. “When talking with someone and they step back when you step forward, you’re being given information about their comfort level with closeness.” Possible hints someone might want more space: •avoiding eye contact •turning away or sideways •backing up •limited conversation response •excessive nodding or “uh-huh”-ing •voice suddenly becomes higher-pitched •nervous gestures like laughing, talking fast, or talking with hands •folding arms or stiffening posture •flinching •wincing
2. Be inclusive of neurodiverse behaviors
Cues will be a little different for everyone. Also keep in mind that some people may use certain gestures all the time, may not provide cues, may have different cues, or may not pick up on the subtleties of your cues. “Neurodivergent” is a newer term used to describe people who live with autism, are on the spectrum, or who have other developmental disabilities. Their social cues may be different from the norm, such as poor eye contact or difficulty starting a conversation.
3. Ask
Never underestimate the power of asking. You can inquire if a hug is OK or if you can ask a personal question.
We can really think of setting boundaries as fortifying our relationships with others rather than building walls to keep people out. But boundaries do another important thing for us.
They can clue us in to behavior that might be harmful. Think about the front door to your home or apartment. If someone breaks it down, you know there’s a problem.
“Oftentimes, we push our instincts aside because we are convinced they are unreasonable, or we have been taught not to trust them,” Coats says. “But if something feels consistently uncomfortable or unsafe, it is a red flag that abuse may be a problem.”
If someone is repeatedly pushing or violating your boundaries, listen to your gut.
And to avoid being the one doing the boundary busting, Coats says, “Ask people in your life to be honest with you about if you are pushing any boundaries. This may feel scary, but it will most likely be met with appreciation and will mark you as a safe person to set boundaries with.”
Jennifer Chesak is a Nashville-based freelance book editor and writing instructor. She’s also an adventure, fitness, and health writer for several national publications. She earned her Master of Science in journalism from Northwestern’s Medill and is working on her first fiction novel, set in her native state of North Dakota.
Jul 16, 2024 · Setting boundaries with your partner helps maintain a healthy relationship that supports you both. It can also prevent a toxic relationship from developing. Here are some tips for setting boundaries in an intimate partnership: Resist reactivity: Set the tone for the talk by being calm.
Dec 27, 2023 · It does not entail making demands, but it requires people to listen to you. Setting healthy boundaries requires you to assert your needs and priorities as a form of self-care. Tawwab outlines three easy steps to setting healthy boundaries: Step 1. Be as clear and as straightforward as possible. Do not raise your voice.
Sep 28, 2024 · Determine healthy boundaries that you can clearly define. Mapping out boundaries for various aspects of your life takes time and attention. Think about your relationships with your partner, parents and children; your job and co-workers; and your finances. Answer these questions to help you define the boundaries you want to set for yourself:
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Jun 3, 2021 · 4. Try to be consistent with your boundaries. Letting boundaries slide can lead to confusion and encourage new expectations and demands among those around you. Try keeping things consistent and ...
