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I could barely hold eye contact and I would get panic attacks before social situations. Now I work in recruitment and I cold call 40 times a day, and have deep conversations on a daily basis with people I barely know.
- Overview
- Ask open-ended question
- Comment on a topic common to both of yo
- Offer them sincere compliment
- Use humor to break the ic
- Thread the conversation from one topic to anothe
- Prepare some talking points beforehan
- Maintain eye contac
- Mirror their body languag
- Display engaged body languag
Some people can carry on a conversation with ease, but for others, chatting doesn’t come as naturally. When you’re interacting with someone shy or who you don’t know very well, how do you keep the convo alive? This article is for you: whether you’re at a work function, at school, or at a dinner party, we’ve got all the tips you need to chat with someone who doesn’t carry the conversation, from initiating the interaction to getting them to open up. Keep reading to learn more!
When talking to someone who doesn’t carry a conversation, try to stick to topics common to you both, such as mutual friends or the event you’re both at.
Ask open-ended questions to draw them out—for instance, instead of, “Did you have a nice weekend?” ask, “What did you do over the weekend?”
Once you do get them to open up, be sure to listen attentively to what they have to say to encourage them to carry the conversation with you.
Questions without “yes” or “no” answers will draw them out.
Whether you know this person already or you are talking with someone new, show your interest in the other person and encourage them to participate more in the conversation. The best way to do this is by asking questions that cannot be answered with a simple yes or no. Try to phrase your questions in such a way that it elicits a more detailed response. For example:
Instead of asking, “Did you have a nice weekend?” try saying, “What did you do this weekend?”
Instead of asking, “I like this appetizer, do you?” try saying, “If this was your event, what would you put on the menu?”
It’s easier to talk about topics you’re both familiar with.
As you ease into speaking with one another, focus on things that you both have in common at the moment, like the room you are in, the event you are attending, or the neighborhood where it is located.
You can offer up information about yourself at this time, making yourself seem more open and interested. For example:
“I went to college with Gina in Iowa. How do you know the hosts?”
“I’ve always been interested in marketing strategies. What brings you to this event?”
“I don’t live around here, but this neighborhood is so pretty. Do you know this area well?”
Compliments are a great way to relax someone and draw them out.
Start by identifying something about them that you admire, whether it’s an article of clothing, their hairstyle, or something you know about them—such as that they aced that last big math test—and comment on it. Once they acknowledge the compliment, continue the conversation by asking them more about the thing you’ve commented on. It’s a tried and true way to make new friends, as long as you’re sincere.
“I just love vintage jewelry! There’s got to be a story behind that necklace.”
“I can never manage to get my hair to do that. How long does it take you to get that ‘do?”
Adding a splash of humor can help you both loosen up.
If the person you’re talking to is uncomfortable chatting with people they don’t know well, try telling a joke to help them feel relaxed. Laughing is a great way to alleviate nerves and help everyone feel more calm and confident. It’s also a great way to bond with someone you don’t know well!
You can break the ice with a joke, like “What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!” or center your humor on your immediate surroundings. Try to keep your humor lighthearted, and avoid mean-spirited jokes—especially humor at their expense.
Keep in mind that laughter may not be appropriate for every occasion or conversation topic, and that it’s
Threading can help you identify promising conversation topics.
Threading is a technique that involves dissecting each statement a person makes into parts, and then choosing a part to follow up with to keep the conversation going. This will help you to respond to their comments without coming across as interrogative. For example:
If a person says, “I just got back from a work trip and I’m really tired,” you could ask them about their job and about where they traveled.
Choose one of these threads and respond with a question or an anecdote like, “I used to have to travel for work a lot, which could be cool, but was definitely exhausting. Where did you go?” or “What kind of job do you have? Do you enjoy it?”
Having topics planned out can help you initiate conversation.
Whether you’re going to a specific event where you will have to speak with people or you just want to be prepared to talk with anyone throughout the day, it can be very helpful to
have some talking points ready
These talking points can help you initiate a conversation and
if the person you are talking to is not a good conversationalist.
Before you go out for the day, read up on current events in the paper or online, and make note of interesting stories.
Looking at someone while they talk shows them that you respect them.
It also shows that you’re listening to them and engaged in the conversation. If the person you’re speaking with already has trouble carrying a conversation, they may feel uncomfortable speaking with you if you look like you don’t care.
Avoid looking beyond the person to other people walking by—stay present, focused, and respectful.
At the same time, try not to stare too intensely at the person you’re speaking to! Keep the eye contact warm and inviting.
Put them at ease by mimicking their movements.
If the person you’re trying to engage is sitting relaxed on a chair and you’re standing over them, they may feel ill at ease. Adopting the same body language and position of the person you’re talking to may make them feel more comfortable and safe.
Open body language will make you appear calm, confident, and inviting.
If you haven't met before,
If you've already met, be warm in your greeting. As you begin the conversation, try to be inviting and exude confidence. If you seem at ease with making conversation, this will help put the other person at ease as well.
Avoid defensive body language like crossing your arms, and always smile openly and
Dec 26, 2021 · What keeps people from holding conversations that can lead to stronger relationships in life and at work? New research from the University of Chicago points to the problem.
- The “I can’t hold a conversation with anyone” mindset. We all love having deep and interesting conversations. Maybe you think if it’s not interesting, it’s not worth your time, or theirs.
- Social anxiety and social awkwardness can prevent a good conversation. The negative mindset you have can stem from a lot of things, including social anxiety or social awkwardness.
- You haven’t learned the right social skills … Yet. To learn how to improve your conversational skills, Check out our 9 Powerful Tips on How To Hold A Conversation.
Mar 5, 2024 · How Can I Handle Conversations With People Who Have Different Opinions or Beliefs Without Getting Into Arguments? What Are Some Ways to Make Small Talk More Meaningful and Engaging? How Can I Improve My Ability to Remember and Recall Details From Past Conversations?
Oct 22, 2020 · “Why can’t I talk to people? Sometimes it feels like I can’t hold a conversation with anyone. Is this normal, and how can I fix it?” If you don’t know how to start a conversation, what to talk about, or what to say when your mind goes blank, you aren’t alone. This article contains practical strategies that can help you.
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Aug 30, 2022 · How to start a conversation with someone online. To start talking to someone over text/DMs, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, or similar social networks, follow these steps. In Step 1, I’ll cover how to contact someone out of the blue.
