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Oct 6, 2014 · And forgiveness is a process, not a single act. Again, you don’t need to forgive your fellow subway rider who accidentally smacks you with his backpack; the words, "I’m sorry," will suffice ...
- Overview
- What Is Forgiveness?
- What Forgiveness Is Not
- When Not Forgiving Someone Is OK
- Reasons Why It's OK Not to Forgive Someone
- Psychological Benefits of Forgiveness
- How to Forgive: What to Say
- Summary
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At a Glance
While there are psychological benefits to forgiveness, you don't have to forgive someone who has hurt you. There are times when it's fine to not forgive someone. It's also important to understand what it means to forgive someone as well as what forgiveness is not.
Most people learn about forgiveness early in life. When you were a child, maybe a friend was mean to you. They said they were sorry, and you easily forgave them and went back to playing together. But later in life, forgiveness can be more complex. As adults, we may struggle to forgive others and let go when they have hurt us.
In its most basic sense, forgiveness means that you are choosing to let go of negative feelings you have about something hurtful that someone did to you. Forgiveness can be hard to define, but many great minds have tried.
For example, Joanna North, a philosophy professor at the University of London, described the idea behind forgiveness in her book, "Wrongdoing and Forgiveness:"
"The value of forgiveness lies in the fact that it essentially requires a recognition of the wrongdoer's responsibility for his action, and secondly, that forgiveness typically involves an effort on the part of the one wronged: a conscious attempt to improve oneself in relation to the wrongdoer."
If you’re familiar with the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Step 9 of the 12 steps in AA is another way to think about forgiveness. Step 9 is making amends. While AA is clear that this step is rooted in action and not just apologizing, the description succinctly states why asking for forgiveness is important:
"Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."
AA suggests that to make spiritual progress, a person must attempt to make amends, but notes that people should not "buy our own peace of mind at the expense of others." While this quote relates to people with alcohol use disorder, it can be helpful for anyone to realize that asking for forgiveness does not equal action.
While understanding what it means to forgive matters, it's also important to understand what forgiveness is not.
•Forgiving someone does not mean that you forget about what they did.
•Forgiving someone does not mean that you think their behavior is OK.
•Forgiving someone does not mean that you are excusing the wrongdoing or “letting them off the hook” for hurting you.
•Forgiving someone does not mean that you have reconciled with them, and it does not mean you are inviting them back into your life.
You should also know that forgiveness is a choice that you make. It’s not something that you should feel pressured into doing.
Whether or not it’s OK to refuse to forgive someone depends on your definition of forgiveness. Do you mean that you plan on letting the person who wronged you come back into your life even if they’re not willing to change? Do you mean that you will refrain from mentally holding a grudge against a person so you can free up your mental space?
In the first definition, you could be setting yourself up for more stress and hurt. In the second, you are considering your mental health and making a decision that supports your well-being.
You should not let someone back into your life who has consistently demonstrated a pattern of abuse. Do not feel pressured to do something that you don't want to do. There are situations when it’s OK not to forgive someone.
Here are just a few examples:
•You’re still feeling the effects of their actions or experiencing PTSD because of how you were treated (particularly for childhood abuse).
•You feel that you're not ready to forgive them even after they have expressed an apology and offered to amend their future behavior. It is OK to tell them that. You feel that forgiving someone would guarantee that they're back in your life, and this would put you and those around you (like your children or family) at risk. Consider the risks of offering forgiveness if the other person sees it as an open door back into your life.
•You feel that the person will pressure you to partake in negative behaviors, for example, drinking alcohol if you're sober.
•You feel that the person does not respect your boundaries. For example, when they contact you at all hours of the day and night, begging for your forgiveness, they are only thinking about their needs and not considering your well-being.
You can still get some of the psychological benefits of forgiving someone even if you don’t tell them.
One study followed a group of 332 adults over five weeks to look at the benefits of forgiveness. Each participant reported on "state forgiveness, which the researchers defined as "to foster an intentional, purpose-driven disposition bent toward forgiveness." The participants reported their levels of perceived stress as well as their mental and physical health symptoms.
Forgiveness was defined as the "cognitive-motivational-emotional experience of decreasing negativity and increasing positivity toward an offender in the face of adversity.”
The results showed that more forgiveness was linked to more improvement in participants’ stress levels and mental and physical health symptoms throughout the study.
Another study looked at the link between psychological stress, well-being, and forgiveness in 148 young adults. The researchers discovered that people with more lifetime stress and lower levels of forgiveness had worse mental health outcomes as they got older. However, lifetime stress did not predict poor mental health outcomes in the volunteers who scored high in measures of forgiveness.
People can carry these skills over into friendships and relationships with family members, too.
How you forgive someone—the time you choose, the words you say—will be highly personal. If you are not sure where to start, some frameworks can help you move through the process of forgiving. In general, there are four stages of forgiveness that you will need to work through:
1.Recognize that you have been hurt and acknowledge your feelings.
2.Make a conscious choice to forgive and move on.
3.Address any challenges that may come up in the process.
4.Let go of the negative emotions to gain peace and a sense of closure.
In the first phase of forgiveness, you may have to ask yourself how you are feeling about what happened. Are you hurt? Angry? Betrayed?
Whether you're just letting go mentally or having a conversation directly with the person, the decision to forgive someone is personal. The benefits of forgiveness favor the person who is forgiving more than the person being forgiven. There are also times when forgiving is not what is best for your mental health and safety, so don’t feel pressured to forgive someone who has hurt you if you think that doing so will invite them back into your life.
How to Forgive Yourself
15 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
1.APA. Forgiveness.
2.North J. Wrongdoing and Forgiveness. Philosophy. 1987;62(242):499-508. doi:10.1017/S003181910003905X
1 day ago · When people talk about forgiveness, they are typically thinking of what I’ll call ‘interpersonal forgiveness’, the process of relinquishing feelings of ill will towards the offender and repairing the relationship with that person. But not every relationship can be repaired, especially in cases where the person who caused harm shows no inclination towards remorse or change.
Nov 22, 2022 · Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. Forgiveness can lead to: Healthier relationships. Improved mental health. Less anxiety, stress and hostility. Fewer symptoms of depression. Lower blood pressure. A stronger immune system. Improved heart health.
- Being hurt by someone, particularly someone you love and trust, can cause anger, sadness and confusion. If you dwell on hurtful events or situation...
- If you're unforgiving, you might: 1. Bring anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience 2. Become so wrapped up in the wrong tha...
- Forgiveness is a commitment to a personalized process of change. To move from suffering to forgiveness, you might: 1. Recognize the value of forgiv...
- Forgiveness can be challenging, especially if the person who's hurt you doesn't admit wrong. If you find yourself stuck: 1. Practice empathy. Try s...
- If the hurtful event involved someone whose relationship you otherwise value, forgiveness can lead to reconciliation. This isn't always the case, h...
- Getting another person to change his or her actions, behavior or words isn't the point of forgiveness. Think of forgiveness more about how it can c...
- The first step is to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrongs you've done and how they have affected others. Avoid judging yourself too harshly.I...
Self-compassion and self-forgiveness are important tools to have before trying to forgive someone else. It’s important to consider whether self-blame may be getting in the way of your ability to ...
Apr 24, 2024 · Still, forgiveness is good for us. “We see all kinds of mental health and physical health benefits as a result of [forgiveness],” Thompson said. She recognizes that forgiveness is difficult for many people, and even the term forgiveness has become loaded with expectations, guilt, and shame. Perhaps reframing forgiveness as “grudge ...
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Dec 11, 2023 · Forgiveness is…. For the sake of the person doing the forgiving. Sharing honestly with the other person how you feel. Practicing letting go of the energy it takes to be resentful or vengeful towards another person. Learning to feel anger and then practicing letting it go. Work on making peace with the life you have.
