Search results
- Make sure you read the situation correctly. On her Personal Excellence blog, life coach Celestine Chua wrote
- Try talking about the issue with your friend. This is obviously connected to the first step, since you can’t reality-test your perceptions without your friend's feedback.
- Discuss it with someone else you trust. If you can’t get your friend to talk to you, talk things over with someone whose opinion you value. But don’t play the gossip game.
- Look for ways to resolve the conflict. Sometimes this simply means waiting until you both cool down. Daniel Goleman, the author of many books about emotional intelligence, says that we all need time cool off in order to manage conflict.
- Be mindful of what quarreling feels like, in your body, emotions, and thoughts. For example, be aware of that sense of revving up, pushing against, being right, and driving your view home that is so characteristic of quarreling.
- Observe the impact of quarreling in relationships, whether you’re doing it or others are (including on the world stage). Ask yourself: Are the results good?
- If you sense yourself warming up to a quarrel, step back, slow down, don’t do it. Try a different approach: Say only what truly needs saying; stay calm and contained, without trying to persuade the other person; don’t take any bait.
- Much of the time, you’ll realize that nothing needs to be said at all: you just don’t have to resist the other person. His or her words can pass on by like a gust of air swirling some leaves along its way.
- Overview
- Taking Time to Cool Off
- Planning Your Apology
- Making Amends
- Choosing to End the Friendship
Even the best of friends fight for all sorts of reasons, like jealousy, broken trust, or differing opinions. And while these fights can be incredibly upsetting, it’s also normal and healthy to have conflict in any kind of relationship. When these conflicts arise, it's important to work together to mend the friendship with kind and honest communication. We’ve compiled a complete list of tips to help you rebuild the connection between you and your beloved bestie.
Give each other time to cool off and reflect before kindly reaching out with a text like, “I’d like to meet up and talk things through when you’re ready. Love you.”
Be open to your friend’s perspective and listen to their feelings and thoughts.
Apologize for your role in the fight and any harm you caused to your friend, e.g., “I’m sorry I called you stupid. My words were careless and rude, and I didn’t mean them.”
Walk away from the argument before it goes too far.
When emotions run high, it’s easy to say something you don’t mean. If you start feeling like you’re not in control of your temper — or your friend isn’t in control of theirs — tell your friend you’ll talk to them later and walk away.
Even if your friend says something mean that hurts your feelings, try not to get pulled into the argument again. Tell yourself they're just lashing out, and let it go.
If you feel like it’s appropriate after the fight, text your friend to reassure them. Try something like, “I want you to know that you’re still my best friend and I love you, even when we argue.”
Take several deep breaths to calm down.
The first thing you should do after an argument is to calm down. It can be hard to
Keep the details of the fight between you and your friend.
Avoid gossiping about your friend or what caused the argument to others. Don't post about the fight on social media. Involving others will add more drama to the situation, and it could make things much worse than the original fight.
Even if you share your feelings with a close friend, word could get back to the friend you’re fighting with.
Make up within a few days of the argument if you can.
Leaving an argument hanging in the air could cause resentment to grow. You want to give your friend enough time to cool off, but try to resolve the fight as soon as possible.
The amount of time this will take is different for everyone. Some friends will make up 5 minutes after an argument, while others may need months to recover from hurtful words.
Offer a sincere and specific apology.
Don’t just offer a blanket: “I’m sorry.” Think carefully about what you are really
for, and be specific when you say you’re sorry.
If the argument came from something you specifically did, like betraying your friend’s trust somehow, commit to solving the problem. Say something like, “I’m sorry I told Emma about the secret you told me. I know it was wrong, and there’s no excuse. It won’t happen again, and I’ll work hard to regain your trust.”
If you know you hurt your friend’s feelings, apologize for what you said. Say something like, “I’m really sorry I called you stupid. I respect you more than that, and my words were careless and rude.”
You might say, “I’m sorry that I waited so long to call you after the fight,” if you honestly don’t think the argument was your fault.
Distance yourself and take time to reflect.
Before ending a friendship, try spending some time apart. Reflect on what you’re getting out of the friendship and if you feel good when you’re around this friend.
If you share mutual friends or a friend group, try hanging out only in group settings. You’ll still be able to be in each other’s lives, but with less one-on-one time.
Stay friends, but accept that you may not be as close as before. You can still support each other in big milestones like birthdays and graduations without being attached at the hip and sharing all your deepest feelings
Recognize the signs of a toxic friendship.
Toxic friendships may make you feel negatively about yourself. If you’re feeling this way around your friend, you may need to
Mar 14, 2020 · Describe the situation from your perspective, and also how you feel. This will enable your friend to see your point of view. What you shouldn’t do, though, is to agree with your friend if you ...
Mar 3, 2016 · When an Argument Gets Too Heated, Here’s What to Say. I recently stood in front of an executive team, allowing their unproductive to-ing and fro-ing to continue a little longer. It was a gold ...
Jan 24, 2021 · Don’t quarrel in front of children or others. There may be a tendency to turn to a friend or relative for their opinion, but keep the quarrel between the two of you. Don’t explain your partner ...
People also ask
How do you deal with a quarrel in a relationship?
What if someone tries to keep up a quarrel?
What should I do if I get caught in a quarrel?
How do you deal with quarreling?
How do you know if you're quarreling?
How do you reassure a friend after a fight?
Jun 15, 2023 · He recommends something like, “I want to talk to you about something that’s been bothering me. Last time we hung out, you said X. You may have meant it as a joke, but it really affected me.”. The goal isn’t to punish your friend but to give concrete examples rather than being vague or passive-aggressive, Cassine says.
