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Feb 15, 2022 · Letting people know we care about them when they’re down can go a long way in helping them to heal faster! Here are the 25 things to say when someone is sick that will help show your support and let them know how much they mean to you.
- Overview
- You’re speaking with a person, not a condition
- Be aware of power differentials
- Choose your timing wisely
- Be mindful of differences in culture and belief
- Keep a ‘beginner’s mind’
- Be your authentic self, too
- How to be a better listener
- Things to avoid
- Special consideration: End of life conversations
Someone you know is sick, and you aren’t sure how to approach the subject. Should you wait for them to bring it up? Avoid it altogether so you don’t make them uncomfortable? What if you accidentally say the wrong thing and damage your relationship in a moment of crisis?
Questions like these are important. They’re a sign that you care. While no one has all the answers, there are some guidelines, borne out of experience and supported by research, that may help you be present for someone who matters to you.
A serious illness can take up a lot of space in a person’s life, whether a full recovery is just a few days away or the condition is chronic. For that reason, it’s especially important to be sensitive to whether someone wants to talk about sickness or something else entirely.
As Chaplain Resident at Mayo Clinic, Natasha Dachos, LMSW, is often in conversation with people coping with illness. “The most important thing to remember,” she says, “is that this is a whole person in front of you. Whether they are a mother, a father, a child, a teacher, a person who likes to run — they are a whole person, with all the complexities that go with it.”
Academic, medical, organizational, and work environments all have complex hierarchies. If you’re in a position of power or influence in someone’s life, it’s important to be aware of the ways the imbalance of power can shape your conversations during a time of illness.
For example, asking an employee about their diagnosis or treatment might make them feel pressured to talk about a condition they’d rather not discuss at work — even if the question is well-meaning.
What to say at work
If you’re able to speak privately, you could say something along these lines: “I know you were out for a while recently. I hope you’re OK, but if you’re not, I’m here if you need help or you’d like to talk.”
In a medical setting, healthcare providers may need to actively encourage questions from people worried about taking up too much of a caregiver’s time.
In one 2018 study, 50 to 70 percent of patients in the intensive care unit wouldn’t speak up about their concerns out of fear their caregivers would consider them a troublemaker. Gender, age, race, and economic status can make it even more important to listen with care, speak sensitively, and respect boundaries.
If you’re communicating by email or text, be prepared for a delayed response. If someone wants to respond honestly to your message, they may need to wait for a time when they can answer fully.
Give them permission not to reply right away
It might be kind to say, “I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking about you. You don’t have to respond!”
By the same token, it might be wise to reach out to someone who’s sick when you have plenty of time to focus attentively on the conversation.
If you’re talking to someone you know very well, you’re probably aware of their cultural background, personal beliefs, and faith tradition. If you’re not certain, it might not be wise to assume that someone else would be encouraged or comforted by the same ideas that inspire you.
Rev. Caila Rinker, MDiv, a chaplain in Mayo Clinic’s Department of Spiritual Care, is often called upon to support people of different cultures and faith traditions. She maintains what she calls “a posture of compassionate curiosity.”
In conversations with people who are sick, there’s a unique opportunity to wonder about and discuss what’s important to people, what makes them feel stronger or more peaceful.
Dachos agrees. “Be curious about what is meaningful to that person, what gives them purpose or allows connection. Be curious about whatever comes up in the moment.”
It’s also important to understand that someone’s personality, family background, and culture may influence how open they are to discussing their illness with you. Finding other ways to offer support may be easier to accept for people who don’t feel comfortable conversing about their health concerns.
In fact, practical support offered by family and friends is critical to better health outcomes for people dealing with chronic illnesses, studies have found.
Over the course of an illness, especially one with a long recovery period or a chronic condition, someone who’s sick is going to go through a wide range of emotions and states of mind. Each time you show up for a conversation, it could be a totally different kind of experience.
“Maybe you’re going to be with a friend who was really angry last time you were together. Anger is often a big part of illness,” Dachos points out.
“People may be angry that they’re sick, or angry that their bodies are diminishing, or angry that they can no longer do something that’s important to them. You may be a very safe target for that anger.”
See if you can remain open to what your friend or family member is feeling right now. If you can provide a safe space for someone to be open and authentic, you’ll have given them a gift of enormous value.
Nobody knows exactly what to say 100 percent of the time, especially in situations that are fraught with emotion for everyone involved.
“The primary barrier in having good conversations about illness is that most of us feel anxious talking about uncomfortable things,” Rinker says.
“Many people experiencing illness feel isolated or misunderstood because it is hard for the people around them to engage with their true experience. You don’t need to say all the right things, just the willingness to listen and hold space for someone’s experience will speak volumes.”
It’s perfectly OK to say, “I don’t know what to say. But you matter to me, and I’m here for the duration.”
And if you do say the wrong thing? Own your mistake, apologize, and start over. In Dachos’s experience, it can be a powerful thing to say, “I think I said something that made you shut down. I’m sorry. Can we go back?”
You’re learning how to talk to a friend, family member, or colleague who’s sick. Be as gentle with yourself as you’re trying to be with the person who’s ill.
Listening is both an art and a skill — and it’s one that few people have been taught. Like any other skill, listening can be practiced deliberately. When it’s done well, it can be life-changing.
In medical settings, listening can alter health outcomes. In personal relationships, listening can lower stress and make people feel confident and supported.
Platitudes
Clichés like “Everything’s going to be all right” or “Everything happens for a reason” usually aren’t helpful. In fact, they can be downright infuriating. They may have the effect of silencing people, and they’re often rooted in the speaker’s discomfort with the topic of illness.
Over-empathizing
When someone who’s sick talks about their experiences, it could bring up memories of similar experiences you’ve had. Resist the impulse to interject your story right away. “It’s natural for us to want to talk about the common experience,” Dachos explains. “Someone might say, ‘Yesterday, I had an MRI,’ and right away I’m thinking, I’ve had an MRI. I know exactly what that feels like. But our stories are a reference point for empathy, and that’s it. When those thoughts come up, instead of talking about your experience, notice the thoughts and refocus on what your friend needs to talk about.”
Unsolicited advice
People who are sick are often peppered with well-intentioned advice about treatments and lifestyle choices. Research has shown that most people have a negative reaction to such advice because it implies that they aren’t competent to solve their own problems or make their own decisions.
The most important thing to know about end of life conversations is simply that you need to have them, and soon.
“If we are willing to consider that our lives will not last forever and begin conversations when we are not in crisis, things go much more smoothly,” Rinker says. “Talk about it. These conversations will be a bigger gift than you can imagine.”
And if there’s someone in your life who’s in palliative care or in hospice care, know that you can keep on having conversations.
“It’s important to remember that a person who’s sick is still here, right up until the point of death, and depending on your faith tradition, maybe even after that,” Dachos encourages.
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