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Create a mantra to remind yourself of your worth beyond family approval. 9. The Grip of Emotional Blackmail. Threats of cutting contact or withdrawing love unless you comply with the narcissist’s wishes are painful tactics you might encounter. This emotional manipulation can leave you feeling trapped and desperate.
- Overview
- What it looks like
- How to respond
- Finding support
- The bottom line
Most family dynamics involve some degree of manipulation.
Some manipulative behaviors, like your mother’s yearly guilt trip, are fairly harmless: “I spent 27 hours in labor bringing you into this world, so the least you can do is spend a few hours having a nice holiday dinner with your family.”
In a family with a healthy dynamic, you might crack jokes with your siblings and even recite your mother’s words before she can say them. Sure, she’s making an emotional appeal to get what she wants, but since you’re all on the same page, this tactic doesn’t trigger any negative feelings.
At the end of the day, you know you can directly express your feelings whenever you want.
But family ties evoke a lot of strong emotions, and some people make deliberate use of these feelings. They might, for example, exploit a weakness when they want you to do things you’d rather not do — including things that cause you pain.
The tips below can help you recognize common manipulation tactics and respond effectively.
Manipulation involves an attempt to control someone else.
You can generally boil it down to one common behavior: Someone wants you to give up something — time, a personal possession, autonomy, power, or anything else — for their benefit.
Recognizing manipulation within families can be particularly difficult when the person is a parent, older sibling, or relative who has some authority.
If you believe you’re supposed to do what they say no matter what, you might struggle to challenge this pattern, even in adulthood.
Dealing with family manipulation and other toxic behaviors can be stressful, to say the least.
When you feel uncertain about how to handle the situation, you might avoid responding at all. This may help you avoid conflict, but it also allows the manipulation to continue.
Dysfunction in your family doesn’t affect just your immediate well-being.
It can also damage your self-esteem and affect your ability to develop healthy relationships as an adult. It can even show up in your own parenting.
A family counselor or any therapist who specializes in family relationship dynamics can help you (and your family) address problematic behaviors and prevent these long-term effects.
A therapist can also help you navigate ongoing situations by:
•offering guidance on setting healthy boundaries
•exploring positive communication tactics
Addressing problematic behaviors with a manipulative family member sometimes improves the situation. If it doesn’t, just remember: You can’t change anyone who doesn’t want to change.
You might feel a sense of duty toward your family — but in the end, you have to put your own well-being first. You have no obligation to maintain a relationship with someone who continues to hurt you.
Sometimes, loosening (or snipping) your family ties is the healthiest option.
Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health. In particular, she’s committed to helping decrease stigma around mental health issues.
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