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Jun 3, 2019 · What It's Like to Be a Southern Ace Lakayla Wilhite, a 21-year-old student in Orlando, found out about asexuality in high school in the same way many queer people find their communities : by using ...
- Overview
- Asexuality, defined
- Facts about asexuality
- Myths and misconceptions
- How asexuality works in relationships
- Is there an underlying ‘cause’?
- How do I know if I’m asexual?
- Helping your loved ones understand asexuality
- The bottom line
If you identify as asexual, you may experience a little sexual attraction or none at all. You may experience other forms of attraction. Asexuality is a label that can mean different things to different people.
Someone who is asexual experiences little to no sexual attraction.
Sexual attraction, in basic terms, means you find a specific person sexually appealing and want to have sex with them.
Asexual people, who might use the term “ace” or “aces” for short, typically don’t experience sexual attraction or want to pursue sexual relationships with other people.
That said, being asexual means different things to different people.
Some people might only experience sexual attraction in very limited circumstances. For example, someone who is demisexual — which some say falls under the asexual umbrella — experiences sexual attraction only when they experience a deep connection.
To put it another way, they might only feel sexually attracted to people in the context of a loving romantic relationship.
Asexual people can have a sex drive and experience sexual desire
There’s a difference between libido, sexual desire, and sexual attraction. •Libido. Also known as your “sex drive,” libido involves wanting to have sex and experience sexual pleasure and sexual release. For some people, it might feel a little like wanting to scratch an itch. •Sexual desire. This refers to the desire to have sex, whether it’s for pleasure, a personal connection, conception, or something else. •Sexual attraction. This involves finding someone sexually appealing and wanting to have sex with them. Plenty of people who aren’t asexual have a low libido and may not desire sex. Similarly, many asexual people still have a libido and might experience sexual desire. Asexual people might still masturbate or have sex. After all, sexuality doesn’t always mean someone doesn’t enjoy sex. It just means they don’t experience sexual attraction. An asexual person might want to have sex for plenty of reasons, including: •to satisfy their libido •to conceive children •to make their partner happy •to experience the physical pleasure of sex •to show and receive affection •for the sensual pleasure of sex, including touching and cuddling Of course, some asexual people have little to no sex drive or sexual desire — and that’s also OK since asexuality means different things to different people.
Many asexual people desire and have romantic relationships
An asexual person might not experience sexual attraction, but they could certainly experience romantic attraction. An asexual person could be romantically attracted to people of the same gender, people of another gender, or people of multiple genders. Many asexual people want — and have — romantic relationships. They might build these romantic relationships with other asexual people, or with people who aren’t asexual.
Asexual people may engage in sexual intimacy with partners
As mentioned, some asexual people do have sex, because sexual desire differs from sexual attraction. In other words, you might not look at someone and feel the need to have sex with them, but you might still want to have sex on occasion. Every asexual person is different. Some might feel repulsed by sex, some might feel nonchalant about it, and some might enjoy it.
It means celibacy or abstinence
Many people falsely believe asexuality is the same thing as celibacy or abstinence. Abstinence is about deciding not to have sex. This is usually temporary. Someone may choose to abstain from sex: •until they get married •during a difficult period in their life Celibacy is about deciding to abstain from sex, and possibly marriage, for a longer period of time. Many people make a lifelong commitment to celibacy for religious, cultural, or personal reasons. One key difference lies in the fact that abstinence and celibacy represent choices. Asexuality does not. What’s more, asexual people might not actually abstain from sex at all — and people who choose celibacy or abstinence can certainly experience sexual attraction.
It’s a medical condition
Many people think there is something “wrong” with asexual people. The world seems to assume that everyone feels sexual attraction. As a result, asexual people might worry there’s something wrong with them if they don’t feel that same attraction. But asexuality isn’t a medical concern or something that needs to be fixed. It should go without saying, but being asexual isn’t the same thing as experiencing: •fear of intimacy •loss of libido •sexual repression •sexual aversion •sexual dysfunction Anyone can develop one or more of these conditions, regardless of their sexual orientation.
It only happens because someone can’t find the right partner
Some well-meaning people may assume asexual people will feel sexual attraction when they meet the “right” person — but that’s not how asexuality works. It’s not a matter of finding love or romance. As a matter of fact, many asexual people desire romantic relationships — and many asexual people have happy healthy romantic relationships. Romance doesn’t have to involve sex, just as sex doesn’t require romance.
A romantic relationship where one partner is asexual and the other isn’t can absolutely work — with plenty of honest communication. Not much different from any other healthy relationship, right?
If you’re asexual, you’ll want to talk to your partner about the types of sexual activity you’re open to (if any) plus any other boundaries you have around sex.
Maybe you and your partner both want a long-term romantic relationship, but your partner has a much higher sex drive. You might try an open relationship, where your partner has other sexual partners but maintains an emotional commitment to you.
What’s most important is that both partners express their needs honestly and recognize that while sexual attraction can shift over time, it may not. So, it generally won’t help to assume an asexual partner will suddenly experience sexual attraction.
As with homosexuality or bisexuality, there’s no underlying “cause” of asexuality. It’s just the way someone is.
Asexuality isn’t genetic, the result of trauma, or caused by anything else.
Although you can’t take a specific test to figure out whether you’re asexual or not, you can ask yourself a few key questions to evaluate your desires and consider whether they align with common asexual characteristics.
Some questions to consider:
•What does sexual attraction mean to me?
•Do I experience sexual attraction?
•How do I feel about the concept of sex?
•Do I feel like I should have interest in sex only because others expect it?
If you realize you’re asexual, you might wonder how to explain your orientation to the people in your life, particularly those who may be less familiar with the term.
You can always start by explaining that asexuality is an orientation, just like being gay, queer, or pansexual. Some people have an attraction to people of one gender, others to people of many genders, and some don’t experience sexual attraction at all.
Family or friends might worry asexuality means you’ll never have a loving relationship, so you can also reassure them that you won’t be lonely — you can and do experience the desire for friendship and other close bonds.
It can also help to keep in mind you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone if you don’t want to. Your romantic and sexual desires (or lack thereof) are your business. That said, many people find that being open about their sexuality helps them live more authentically.
Of course, you’ll definitely want to share your orientation with someone you have a romantic interest in.
Get more tips on dating as an asexual person here.
Maybe you experience a little sexual attraction or none at all. The way you define your sexuality, orientation, and identity is your choice, and only you get to decide what asexual means to you.
Ultimately, you can always choose the identifier(s) you’re most comfortable with for yourself. If you decide not to use any labels to describe yourself, that’s OK, too!
Want to learn more? Read up about asexuality and chat with members of the asexual community online at the:
•AVEN forum
•Asexuality subreddit
•Asexuality Archive
- Notice if you don’t think about sex very often. Think about how often you think about sex, and for how long you think about sex. As an asexual, you might find that sex doesn’t really interest you.
- Pay attention to how you feel when others make sexual comments. It’s common for people to talk about sex on TV, and you probably have friends who talk about sex.
- Think about how you react to sexually suggestive material. This includes things like sexy pictures, sex scenes in movies, and porn. Consider if you lack the desire to look at these materials.
- Reflect on whether or not you enjoyed any prior sexual encounters. You can still be asexual even if you’ve had sex before. In this case, think about how you felt about your sexual experience, why you did it, and if you’d do it again.
Nov 5, 2021 · 8. Aces can be kinky. Kink is not synonymous with sex itself, and it’s possible to actively seek out, participate in, and enjoy kink without necessarily participating in what some people ...
- Julie Kliegman
- My friends talk about sex all the time, but I don’t feel any desire to be with someone in that way. Is it normal to not feel any sexual attraction towards other people?
- I am romantically attracted to boys and girls, but I don’t want to be with them physically. Can I be bisexual and asexual? Answer: Absolutely!
- I kissed my boyfriend for the first time and it was gross! Does this mean I am asexual? Answer: Not necessarily. There are a lot of things that make up our identity, and who we are physically and romantically attracted to can be discovered over time in many different ways.
- How do I tell my partner/the person I like that I am asexual? Answer: This is a tough question, and there isn’t any easy answer. Coming out to ANYONE can be scary, and many people in the ace community face specific risks when coming out, like being rejected by a partner or love interest.
The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN), an online forum dedicated to asexuality, defines an asexual as "someone who does not experience sexual attraction", as well as adding that asexuality "at its core" is "just a word that people use to help figure themselves out", and encourages people to use the term asexual to define themselves "as long as it makes sense to do so". [18]
People also ask
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Jan 19, 2024 · 4. Discuss your situation with your partner. If you decide you want to date someone who is sexual, after a certain period of time has passed you're going to have to explain your situation. Explain as early as you are comfortable with, since dating an asexual can be a huge commitment for a sexual.
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