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- Be direct. Sometimes people don't just come out and plainly state what is bothering them, and instead choose more indirect ways of expressing their displeasure.1 One partner may speak to the other in a way that is condescending and implies underlying hostility.
- Talk about how you feel without blaming your partner. Statements that directly assault your partner’s character can be especially damaging to a relationship.3 If a man frustrated by his girlfriend's jealousy says "You’re totally irrational!"
- Never say never (or "always"). When you’re addressing a problem, you should avoid making generalizations about your partner. Statements like "You never help out around the house," or, "You're always staring at your cell phone" are likely to make your partner defensive.
- Pick your battles. If you want to have a constructive discussion, you need to stick to one issue at a time. Unhappy couples are likely to drag multiple topics into one discussion, a habit renowned conflict researcher John Gottman calls "kitchen-sinking."
- Understand whether the relationship actually can be fixed. Yes, toxic relationships can change. But that comes with a very big if. A toxic relationship can change if and only if both partners are equally committed to overcoming it with lots of open communication, honesty, self-reflection, and possibly professional help, individually and together.
- Be willing to walk away. "Before you attempt to confront a toxic partner, make sure your self-esteem and self-confidence are good enough for you to know that you will be all right if they end the relationship with you, or if you end up having to end it with them.
- Look for the ABCD's. "Someone can recognize a toxic relationship if there is a constant presence of ABCD—accusations, blame, criticisms, and demands," Li says.
- Use your voice. Often in toxic relationships, you find yourself walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting your partner, which over time can build up resentment.
- Overview
- Signs of Manipulation in a Relationship
- Honesty vs. Manipulation
- Why Manipulators Act the Way They Do
- How to Respond to Manipulative Behavior
- How to Talk to Your Partner About Manipulation
- A Word From Verywell
Manipulating someone means that a person is using mental distortion and emotional exploitation to influence and control others. Their intent is to have power and control over others to get what they want.
Someone who manipulates you knows what your weaknesses are and will use them against you. If the person doing the manipulation is getting what they want from you, the manipulation will continue until you decide it has to stop and actively and intentionally put an end to it. This can be challenging and you are encouraged to seek support during this process, especially if you are interacting with a chronically manipulative person.
Recognizing manipulation in your own relationship can be difficult because it might have started out subtle. Over time, manipulative behavior in relationships can become the everyday dynamic with your partner.
This article covers how to recognize the signs of emotional manipulation and how to respond to manipulative behavior in relationships.
If someone consistently makes you feel emotionally drained, anxious, fearful, or doubtful of your own needs, thoughts, and feelings, you may be dealing with emotional manipulation. Follow your gut instinct when it comes to recognizing what is occurring.
What is manipulative behavior? It can include any or all of the following techniques:
•Gaslighting
•Passive-aggressive behavior
•Lying and blaming
•Threats and coerciveness
Signs of emotional manipulation can be subtle or obvious, but no matter how they appear, manipulation is damaging to your relationship, confidence, and self-esteem. Here's a look at how manipulation tactics compare to a healthy, direct approach.
The examples above use tactics like guilt-tripping, such as implying that you don't love them or care about your kids based on not performing certain actions. Statements like these are attempts by the manipulator to shame the target into doing what the manipulator wants.
In general, people manipulate others to get what they want, to protect their ego, and to avoid having to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions. They may feel the need to punish, control, or dominate their partner. They may be seeking pity or attention, or have other selfish motives. They might also be trying to change or wear down a partner in an effort to have their own needs met.
People who use manipulative behavior in relationships sometimes come from a dysfunctional family of origin (the family they grew up in). They might have had to manipulate in order to get basic needs met or avoid harsh punishment, or they may have been emotionally manipulated by their parents and learned how to interact with others through what they observed and experienced.
Don't Minimize Manipulation
It might take a while to recognize emotional manipulation, but when you do, don't act as if it isn't a big deal. Emotional manipulation needs to be addressed, whether you are the target or the perpetrator. The first step is admitting that you're in an emotionally manipulative relationship. Consider having an honest and direct conversation with your partner to address the manipulation. If you are being manipulated, you might name specific examples of their behavior and how it affects you. Be specific in describing the forms of manipulation and your feelings in response to them. For instance, you might say, "When you shut down in response to my saying something that you disagree with, I feel sad and discouraged. I'd like to feel connected with you; is this something you are open to talking about?" or "When you tell me that I said something I didn't say, I feel confused and frustrated. Can we have an honest talk about what is happening?"
Seek Help
Getting to the root of emotional manipulation can be tricky—especially if one or both partners have a tendency to avoid honest discussions. You might attend relationship or marriage counseling if both parties are willing. Seeing a therapist on your own can also help you understand the emotional manipulation present in your relationship. A mental health professional can also help you and your partner understand how to address manipulative behavior if it's linked to a specific mental health condition such as anxiety. A therapist can provide suggestions for better communication. Therapy is an opportunity for you and your partner to better understand both of your vulnerabilities, which may help strengthen the relationship. When manipulation persists, a therapist can help you decide where to set healthy boundaries and how to know when to walk away from a manipulative person if necessary.
Set Boundaries
It's important to set boundaries in any relationship, but especially so if someone is being emotionally manipulative. Try to have a discussion with your partner about what is acceptable behavior and what isn't. You need to set specific consequences of boundaries as well. For instance, you might say, "If you continue to interrupt me and tell me that I'm not feeling what I'm actually feeling, I will stop engaging in this conversation and step away to take care of myself." If they continue interrupting you and denying what you're thinking and feeling, you can then end the conversation, leave the room, and return to the conversation when you are ready to do so at your own pace, in your own time. If they continue being manipulative, you may consider setting an internal boundary to end the relationship if the manipulation continues after a certain point. For instance, if your partner continues to deny there are any issues in your relationship and that you are "crazy" or "too sensitive," you need to communicate that you can no longer be in a relationship with someone who chooses not to honor your feelings. In some cases, manipulation and emotional abuse are precursors to physical abuse. If you feel you are in physical danger, make an exit plan. Let family and friends know that you plan to leave your partner, and set up a time to meet a trusted loved one. If possible, you may need to find another place to live if you live with your partner. If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance from trained advocates. For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database. How to Leave an Abusive Relationship Safely
When you decide to approach your partner about the manipulation in your relationship, it is important to have a plan for how this conversation will go. When you confront someone who is manipulating you, there is the risk that they will continue to use the same tactics to try to manipulate you further.
They may respond to this conversation by acting defensive, trying to guilt you into just letting it go, or blaming you for the problems in your relationship. Using some of the following strategies may help this conversation go more smoothly:
•Be prepared: Before you talk to your partner, list some of the specific ways that you have been manipulated. Concrete examples make it more difficult for the other person to deny the problem.
•Use "I" statements: Avoid critical or blaming language that is sure to put your partner on the defense. Instead, focus on framing your conversation in terms of "I" statements that discuss your feelings and how you've been affected by these problems.
•Listen to your partner: Give your partner the ability to share what they are feeling, but stay objective and don't let them minimize the problem. If your partner is willing to listen to your perspective and discuss ways to change your interactions, consider it an opportunity to mend the relationship and move forward in a healthier way.
If your partner becomes angry, defensive, and unwilling to listen, then it may be time to honestly check in with yourself to decide how and if you want to stay in a relationship with this person.
Manipulation might seem like an easy or "natural" way to deal with a difficult issue or to get things to go the way you want them to, but it is hurtful and damaging to your relationships. You and your loved ones deserve honest and loving communication.
If you are experiencing manipulation in a relationship, take steps to address the behavior before it becomes worse. Discuss the problem with the other person, establish clear boundaries, and be willing to walk away if they are not willing to change.
How Does Reverse Psychology Work?
15 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
1.Stanford University. The ethics of manipulation.
- Sheri Stritof
- Counteract Isolation. Maybe you have noticed that your friend does not show up for activities they once liked—and it feels odd. Abusers isolate their partners in a variety of ways including by blocking their plans, acting jealous, spreading rumors, and creating tension with their partners’ friends, family, and coworkers.
- Counteract Gaslighting. Gaslighting is a way to make a person feel crazy or seem crazy to others by manipulating the environment and denying reality.
- Counteract Degradation. Abusers frequently degrade their partners by insulting, criticizing, and humiliating them. Abusers make demands about the most intimate aspects of a victim’s life including sex, eating, bathing, dressing, and even using the toilet.
- Counteract Economic Abuse. One of the hallmarks of coercive control is depriving a victim of resources such as money and transportation. Some abusers do not let their partners work outside the home, while others obligate their partners to turn over their paycheck.
- You try to ignore your gut. The first red flag may be that gut feeling that something isn’t right or that you persistently end up doing things you don’t want to.
- You wonder: Is it you? If you’re starting to doubt yourself and your own motives, you may be on the receiving end of a manipulation tactic. Maybe you were once confident in your ability to handle a particular situation, and now you’re beginning to question your capabilities.
- You feel guilty. A common sign that someone may be emotionally manipulating you may be that you’ve started to feel guilty or embarrassed for acting in certain ways in the relationship.
- Your sense of self is blurred. A common sign of manipulation in relationships is when you start losing a sense of who you are after following someone else’s overt or covert demands to give up your opinions and interests.
Jan 30, 2024 · Signs of an insecure man include excessive jealousy, constant need for validation, overprotectiveness, tendency to belittle others, fear of criticism, frequent mood swings, and an inability to trust or communicate openly in relationships.
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Apr 15, 2022 · Manipulative tendencies can surface in any relationship. Knowing what to look for can help you avoid them.
