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Dec 29, 2023 · Addiction can have a devastating impact on relationships, leading to a breakdown in trust and communication. These fundamental pillars of a healthy relationship are often the first casualties when addiction takes hold.
Jun 2, 2021 · Romantic relationships where at least one partner is dealing with addiction likely include a great deal more conflict than most. Trust issues, hurt feelings, and anxiety can be side effects of...
Dec 11, 2019 · All of an addict’s relationships (with friends, family, and romantic partners) can be adversely affected by addiction. Fortunately, addicts who agree to get help can repair their broken relationships and form new healthier ones. Learn how to deal with an addict in a relationship with our guide.
- Overview
- The idea of relationship addiction is somewhat controversial
- Still, there’s some evidence that relationships can be addictive
- Where it might come from
- Signs to look for
- Tips for overcoming it
- When to get help
- The bottom line
When people say they “have an addiction,” they’re often talking about an extreme fondness for something. Sure, you might really love snowboarding, listening to podcasts, or watching cat videos. But generally speaking, these aren’t actual addictions.
Addiction is a serious condition that affects the brain. True addiction makes it difficult to think about anything else. You’re compelled to keep seeking that thing out, even when your need negatively affects you or your loved ones.
This description can make it easy to translate certain relationship behaviors into a “relationship addiction.”
These behaviors might include:
•feeling incomplete without a partner
•constantly talking about falling in love
Addiction typically refers to alcohol or substance dependency, but experts increasingly support the existence of behavioral addictions. These include addictions to things like gambling and shopping. Relationship addiction, some argue, could fit into this category.
But it’s not that simple.
According to Vicki Botnick, a marriage and family therapist in Tarzana, California, “using the term addiction to talk about love and sex is controversial.” Love and sex are both a natural part of human life, unlike, say, substance use or gambling.
The lack of diagnostic criteria also complicates things. “Are you an addict when you jump from relationship to relationship? What does ‘loving too much’ actually mean?” she asks.
In other words, simply moving from relationship to relationship or wanting to have multiple relationships at the same time doesn’t mean you’re “addicted.” Neither does falling in love quickly, wanting to find a new partner immediately after a breakup, or enjoying how it feels to have a relationship.
Still, Botnick acknowledges that, “as with any condition, it’s concerning when someone’s thoughts and behavior cause significant, ongoing distress.”
A few recent studies have explored how characteristics of addiction can show up in the development of romantic relationships.
A 2016 study describes romantic love as a natural addiction. People in love often experience euphoria, cravings, dependency, withdrawal, and other behaviors associated with addiction. This happens, researchers explain, because the dopamine reward system in your brain is activated by romantic love, just as it’s activated by substances and addictive behaviors. However, the authors make the distinction that romantic love isn’t characterized as a behavioral or chemical addiction.
A 2018 review and case study echoed the link between love and dopamine. However, the authors noted that the cravings and longing tend to mellow over time into a more stable, lasting love. That is, when the love is mutual. One-sided or unrequited love might feel more addictive.
The addictive qualities of love can also come into play during a breakup. A 2010 study examined brain activity in 15 people who had recently experienced relationship rejection. According to the study, similar areas of the brain activated by cocaine cravings were also activated after rejection.
As with other types of addiction, addiction-like behaviors around relationships result from a complex interaction of factors. These include brain chemistry, genetics, upbringing, and the relationships you see around you.
Others argue that love is simply an evolutionary survival response.
Botnick also points to low self-esteem as a key contributor. “When we don’t know how to get positive feedback from inside ourselves, we need it from outside sources. Falling in love, or just getting interest from potential partners, can become a method we rely on.”
She also adds that attachment issues can fuel this pattern.
You need to keep falling in love
Experts link the euphoric high (activated by the release of dopamine and other “happy” hormones) that’s so common in the early stages of love to addictive relationship behaviors. So it follows that someone experiencing this pattern would crave that feeling again and again. “You might find yourself in a revolving door of relationships, with no down time in between,” explains Melissa Stringer, a marriage and family therapist in Sunnyvale, Texas. You want the excitement of early love, but you don’t want to stick around for a relationship. This can hurt both you and your romantic partners over time, especially when you don’t communicate (or realize) your relationship goals.
You continue “craving” someone who doesn’t feel the same way
“With all addictions or comfort-seeking behaviors, an obsessive type of focus can begin to take over,” Stringer says. Maybe you struggle to let go of a relationship after it ends. Or you might fixate on the person you love, even if they no longer return your feelings. Even after they ask for space, you might feel compelled to keep seeing them, trying to convince them to give the relationship another chance. This overwhelming need for your partner can also happen within a relationship when you crave their company so much you neglect work, school, and other important parts of your life in order to spend time together.
You idealize the idea of love
According to Botnick, unrealistic cultural ideas about love can play a part. “From fairy tales to Lifetime movies to Facebook feeds, we’re bombarded with images of ‘perfect’ partners and love that ‘completes’ us,” she says. With these ideals in mind, you might feel like you have to keep searching for that soulmate, that perfect love, without considering the very real work that goes into making a relationship strong and successful.
If you’re working to address compulsive love or relationship behaviors, awareness of how these behaviors affect you is an essential first step.
But, Stringer emphasizes, awareness usually isn’t enough. “Learning new skills and tools for coping are both necessary parts of behavior change,” she explains.
Addictive behaviors around love, sex, and relationships can be hard to overcome on your own.
According to Stringer, a number of factors can affect your success in moving past these behaviors without professional help. “When unresolved trauma drives these behaviors,” she says, “chances are lower you’ll simply be able to stop them.”
If you’re having difficulty, a therapist can help. Therapy is always recommended whenever relationship behaviors cause you (or anyone) distress.
It’s best to talk to someone sooner rather than later if you:
•depend entirely on your partner
•believe your life lacks meaning without a relationship
Some experts suggest we’re all addicted to love. After all, we need to connect with others to continue our existence, so we want — even crave — these bonds throughout our lives.
The need for love or a relationship doesn’t affect everyone negatively. It’s completely normal and healthy to want a relationship, and if your search for love doesn’t harm you or anyone else, you likely don’t need to worry.
But if you feel dependent on relationships, or if your relationship patterns or behaviors concern you in other ways, a therapist can offer support without judgment.
Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health. In particular, she’s committed to helping decrease stigma around mental health issues.
- Crystal Raypole
Sep 4, 2023 · Over time, addiction destroys the foundation of romantic relationships: trust, stability, intimacy, and communication. Lies and Secrecy. People struggling with addiction lie to cover up the amount of money they spend on substances, the places they spend their time, and so on.
Oct 8, 2019 · Drug addictions drastically impact relationships with your friends, family and other important people in your life. Learn how addiction affects relationships here.
Mar 11, 2024 · Stress from work, relationships–anywhere–can be a chief motivation to abuse drugs and alcohol. Every relationship is different. You may learn that your drug or alcohol use has harmed your relationship when your spouse or another member of your family tells you so.
