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Jul 15, 2021 · Unconditional love is an illusion. Sacrifices and gifts are the reality. Once couples are able to give up the illusion and embrace the reality, they can be more authentic, more appreciative, and ...
- Overview
- What it is
- What it isn’t
- Is it even possible?
- Fostering it in your relationship
- The bottom line
Unconditional love, simply put, is love without strings attached. It’s love you offer freely.
You don’t base it on what someone does for you in return. You simply love them and want nothing more than their happiness.
This type of love, sometimes called compassionate or agape love, might sound somewhat familiar. Maybe it brings to mind the love your parents have for you or the love you have for your own child.
While people often associate unconditional love with familial love, many look for this love in romantic relationships, too.
Wanting someone to love you for yourself — no matter what — is an understandable desire. Yet this type of love might still seem like the stuff of fairy tales and movies, not something most people encounter in real life.
Is this love as elusive as it sounds? Can it even happen in romantic relationships?
It can benefit emotional health
A small 2009 study explored the brain regions activated by feelings of unconditional love. The results of the study suggest that unconditional love activates some of the same areas of the brain’s reward system that romantic love does. In other words, the simple act of loving someone unconditionally may produce positive feelings. Receiving unconditional love can also make a difference in emotional well-being. According to research from 2010, children who receive higher levels of affection from their parents or caregivers tend to have greater resilience in adulthood. They also tend to experience fewer mental health symptoms. Results from a 2013 study support the idea that loving children unconditionally improves their lifelong health and wellness. This suggests parental unconditional love could offer some protection against the harmful, often lingering effects of childhood trauma or abuse.
It feels secure
Unconditional love can provide a sense of security in both childhood and adulthood. Feeling confident in someone’s love and knowing it won’t go away can help create secure attachments and foster autonomy, independence, and self-worth. If you know your parents or caregivers will continue to love you even after you make mistakes or do things they don’t approve of — from failing a class to having a drink at a party when you’re underage — you’ll feel more comfortable making your own choices and learning from them as you go. In the context of friendship, unconditional love might weather tests like conflict, falling out of touch, or differing life goals. When it comes to romantic relationships, unconditional love could mean that love doesn’t go away, despite challenges like life-altering health conditions or changes in appearance or personality.
It’s altruistic
Altruism refers to helpful actions taken to support and benefit others, often at your own expense. In terms of unconditional love, altruism means you don’t consider any potential benefits of loving someone. You offer your love for their support and benefit. Love, many say, is its own reward, but you typically don’t get anything out of altruistic acts. This is one point of contention in discussions of unconditional love in romantic situations. Because healthy relationships, by definition, are mutually beneficial, this would seem to suggest that romantic love — at least within the boundaries of a relationship — can’t be truly unconditional.
Confusion and misconceptions about the true nature of unconditional love can seem to suggest this type of love reflects unhealthy or toxic relationship dynamics.
There’s an important distinction between offering love and forgiveness and continuing to accept harmful actions. It’s also important to understand you can love someone unconditionally without staying with them unconditionally.
If you’re starting to think unconditional love sounds a lot more complicated than you’d imagined, you’ve pretty much hit the mark.
As one philosophy professor pointed out, even the love between a parent and a child falls short of unconditional. A parent might love their child no matter what they do, but this love still has a condition: They love their child because their child is theirs.
In a similar vein, consider the love you have for your partner or anyone else. What triggered it originally? Perhaps you felt attracted to certain specific characteristics: sense of humor, a kind heart, intelligence.
If they no longer had those characteristics, would your love continue, unaltered? From a philosophical perspective, if conditions never change, you might never know whether your love truly is unconditional.
In reality, love grows and shifts over time. It can also fade, through no fault of anyone involved. Love changes, in part, because people change. You, or your partner, may not be the same person years down the line.
Instead of seeking out an idealized, potentially unattainable type of love, try for a better, more realistic, goal: mature love founded on compassion and respect.
Offer respect, even when you disagree
You and your partner are two different people, so it makes sense you’ll have a difference of opinion at some point. Many people think of conflict as something negative, but it isn’t always bad. It can even improve the health of your relationship when handled in a productive way. When navigating conflict, it’s important to accept any differences with respect. You want to send a message that says, “I disagree with you, but I still respect your opinion.” Once you both express your opinions, you can begin working toward resolution. This might involve collaboration or compromise. Without respect, though, it’ll be tough.
Practice open communication
Good communication should be clear, honest, and timely. All the honest, open sharing in the world may not make much difference if it comes too late. By communicating with your partner, you show your respect and commitment to working through challenges and finding ways to meet conflicting goals. For better communication: •Bring up issues as they arise instead of letting your irritation simmer and gather heat. •Share your thoughts honestly, but also listen empathically to what your partner has to say. •Make sure to clarify when you don’t understand something to better prevent conflict in the future. If you’re not used to communicating in this way (plenty of us aren’t), be patient. Things will get easier with practice.
Support each other
Most relationships that thrive involve plenty of mutual support. When your partner struggles, you listen with empathy or offer a helping hand, and they do the same for you. You stay mindful of their needs as well as your own, and they know you have their back when they’re up against something they can’t handle alone. A time may come when you find yourself sacrificing something for their benefit, but sacrifice and support should go both ways. A healthy relationship involves not just take, but also some give — so they’ll likely make sacrifices for your benefit, too.
Unconditional love might sound like a dream come true. But while love is one thing, a relationship is quite another.
A healthy relationship does have conditions, of a sort: your boundaries. If your partner doesn’t respect your boundaries, the relationship isn’t healthy, no matter how deeply you love them.
Moving on from it, then, could be an act of unconditional self-love.
Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health. In particular, she’s committed to helping decrease stigma around mental health issues.
- Crystal Raypole
Oct 7, 2024 · 1. Unconditional love means accepting everything without question. Many believe that unconditional love means putting up with anything, even unhealthy behaviors, to keep the relationship going. But that’s not the case! The myth of unconditional love ignores the need for boundaries and self-respect. True love allows space for open ...
- Lachlan Brown
- They genuinely rejoice in your happiness. One of the most beautiful facets of unconditional love is the pure joy your partner feels when you’re happy.
- They’re there for you in your darkest times. It’s one thing to be there in the good times, when life is all sunshine and rainbows. But it’s a whole different ball game to stick around when the storm hits, when life gets messy and ugly.
- They respect your individuality. I’ve always been a bit of a free spirit. I love my alone time, my personal space. I need it like I need air to breathe.
- They listen to understand, not to respond. There’s a big difference between hearing and listening. Anyone can hear the words you’re saying, but not everyone listens to them.
Secondly, there’s this idea floating around that unconditional love requires self-sacrifice at all costs. I’ll tell you straight up – this notion couldn’t be further from the truth! Loving unconditionally does involve being selfless at times; however, it doesn’t mean losing oneself in the process or putting one’s well-being at risk.
Nov 14, 2024 · By embracing and practicing unconditional love, we can create deeper connections that enrich our lives and the lives of those around us. How to utilize the power of unconditional love: 6 ways. Utilizing the power of unconditional love can profoundly impact your relationships and foster deeper emotional connections.
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Nov 16, 2022 · Don't let the little annoyances of life override your love. Unconditional love means seeing past the squabbles about the little things in life. If you commit to love that is larger than those things, you will have staying power. Share power in your relationship. No one person should get everything they want, or this will lead to resentment by ...
