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Oct 4, 2021 · Create physical memorials. Physical memorials are one of the easiest ways to remember a pet. When Dr. Sullivan’s family lost a beloved Yorkshire terrier, Reiley, the vet sent them sympathy cards ...
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- Overview
- Why Is Losing a Pet so Painful?
- How Long Does Pet Grief Last?
- Strategies for Coping With Grief
- Suggestions for Remembering and Honoring Your Pet
- How to Help Your Family Cope With the Loss
- Resources for Further Support
- Healing Takes Time
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Let's face it: Losing a pet is a terrible, painful thing. And because animals like dogs and cats have only a small fraction of the lifespan of most people—and because, ironically, having a pet can actually help you live longer—chances are that having a pet means at some point down the road, you're going to lose them.
While some people are taken aback by how sad and stricken they are when their pet dies, that sadness is a completely normal occurrence. Grief is "what we feel inside, our natural reaction, in response to loss," says Juliet Kuehnle, licensed therapist and author of Who You Callin' Crazy? "It's the price we pay for loving something," she explains.
If you're dealing with the loss of a pet, you may be unsure how to deal with the many unfortunate feelings you're working through. Ahead, we'll help you understand why the grief of losing a pet hurts so darn much, and how you can heal from it most effectively.
Loss is loss, whether it's human or animal, and it's very rough. "Forming relationship and connection with a pet is no different for our hearts than forming these with other humans," says Kuehnle. You wouldn't be surprised to find yourself grieving if you lost a loved one who is human, so don't be surprised that losing a pet hurts a whole lot too.
In some ways, losing a pet can be even harder than losing a person. We have complex, often fraught relationships with our families and friends, but the relationship between a pet and their person is pretty pure. Our animals love us without cause or concern for our failings or shortcomings. They're by our side, no matter what, through thick and thin. For many people, a pet is the most unconditional love out there.
There's no firm answer about how long it takes to get over the loss of a pet. "Grief is so very personal and it is not something you “get over” or “cure,” but something you learn to carry differently with time," says Kuehnle. She explains that "everyone’s grief journey is unique....there is no formula or timeline."
If you've experienced the loss of a pet recently, you're probably looking forward to a time when it doesn't upset you so much. But in order to move past our feelings, we have to move through them. Inevitably, that takes time. Chances are that every day you'll be a little less upset than you were the day before, and eventually, your grief will become background noise rather than a foreground emotion.
Fortunately, even though you can't make grief disappear, you can employ strategies for dealing with your feelings. And in turn, that will help you get past them, little by little. The first step is to let go of expectation. "If people can release their expectations of what grief “should”' look like, they can start to integrate the loss and the changes into their lives, with acceptance, as they adjust," suggests Kuhnle.
You should also know that grief isn't necessarily a straight line from "sad" to "happy again." "A lot of people are familiar with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) and expect to move through them all linearly, but that simply doesn’t always happen," says Kuehnle. "Sometimes people will bounce around within those five stages, and sometimes people won’t ever experience a particular stage."
Allowing yourself to experience your emotions is the best way to deal with them.
It helps when people allow themselves to really sit in the grief, feel the feels, and honor the emotions and the catalyst for the grief.
— JULIET KUEHNLE, LCMHC
Self care is also important: Be sure that as you grieve, you do whatever feels good for you, for no other reason than because it does. Kuehnle recommends self soothing and practicing self-regulation. She also suggests breathing exercises, and spending time getting to understand your narrative around the loss. Additionally, journaling about your feelings can help you move through them.
Your relationship with your pet was deeply personal, so it makes sense that the ways you remember and honor them will be too. "I encourage people to be okay with doing something that feels right to YOU," says Kuehnle. Two suggestions of hers: "Maybe your dog loved walking to a certain spot and you go there and leave flowers. Maybe you have fond memories of hearing the sound of your animal's collar, so you keep that collar on your shelves."
When I lost the two cats I'd gotten at age 18 in my thirties, I did something that was hugely beneficial and healing for me but that others told me was weird. I took my favorite childhood teddy bear, cut open its back, pulled out some stuffing, placed the ashes of my cats inside, and sewed it back up. I held that teddy bear whenever I missed my cats, and it made me feel so much better. That other people didn't get it didn't matter, as it was healing for me and didn't hurt anyone.
If you have a family—and that includes other pets—you won't be alone in your grief. You might have to facilitate the grieving of others in your family.
"Parents can learn how kids at different ages and stages will conceptualize death and grief," says Kuehnle. "Developmentally, they will have a different grasp of what this means." She suggests utilizing The Dougy Center to provide age appropriate information to your child(ren).
Additionally, she says, "don't be afraid to check in with your family members to see how they're handling the grief, loss, and mourning. Help normalize and validate for them, model appropriate emotion release and regulation." And if the grief isn't turning a corner, consider therapy. She says this is the right step when grief has begun impeding life functions such as going to work or school.
If you have a pet who is experiencing the loss of their brethren, you can help them through it. The VCA recommends speaking in an upbeat voice to them even if you feel sad, spending time with them, trying new activities together, and making sure to keep up with their comforting day to day life plans.
•Lap of Love offers support specific to the loss of a pet.
•Letters to Pushkin helps you use letter writing to process the grief of losing a pet.
•ASPCA has info for end of life care.
•Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement has a directory of services, including no-cost support groups.
Grief is very difficult, but it can't be rushed. The loss of a pet is the loss of a serious relationship, so expect it to be impactful. You're likely to feel sad for some time, and those feelings might ebb and flow. By being willing to feel your feelings, utilizing the help of therapy, and practicing self-care, you can facilitate the grieving process.
Losing a pet is awful, but eventually, the grief will settle, and you will feel better again. You'll always remember your pet, and there are many ways you can honor them. Whether they have two legs or four, our love lives on when our loved ones pass.
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1.Langer, Ellen J.; Rodin, Judith. The effects of choice and enhanced personal responsibility for the aged: A field experiment in an institutional setting. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 34(2), Aug 1976, 191-198.
2.How to stay healthy around pets and other animals | healthy pets, healthy people | cdc.
- Coping with grief. Although grief is a personal experience, you do not need to face your loss alone. Here are a few suggestions to help you cope: Acknowledge your grief, and give yourself permission to express it.
- Helping children understand pet loss. Trying to protect your child by saying the pet ran away doesn’t allow your child to move through the grief process in an emotionally healthy way.
- Helping seniors cope with pet loss. Coping with the loss of a pet can be particularly hard for seniors. Those who live alone may feel a loss of purpose and immense emptiness.
- Understanding surviving pets. Surviving pets may whimper, refuse to eat or drink, or simply “act depressed,” especially if they had a close bond with the deceased pet.
- Set aside the time to grieve in your own way and release your emotions. We live in a very busy time, where there are always 20 things on the “to-do” list and the ability to only get five things done in a day.
- Reflect upon the life shared between yourself and your beloved pet. Active reflection can be hard, even without experience in the pain of grief. Take time to reflect either through writing, storytelling, or whatever form of expression brings you comfort.
- Make sure you continue to meet your basic needs. One of the most frequent complaints in the immediate phase of grief, or acute phase, is the complete loss of appetite.
- Choose a calming practice and use it frequently. As we said earlier, it can be incredibly frustrating and painful that the outside world doesn’t slow down.
Aug 21, 2024 · Grieving is a highly individual experience. Some people find grief following the loss of a pet comes in stages, where they experience different feelings such as denial, anger, guilt, depression, and eventually acceptance and resolution. Others find that their grief is more cyclical, coming in waves, or a series of highs and lows.
Aug 15, 2024 · 7 Stages of Pet Loss Grief: Coping Guide. August 15, 2024. Losing a pet can be as painful as losing a family member. This guide covers the 7 stages of pet loss grief and how to cope: Shock and denial. Pain and guilt. Anger and bargaining. Depression and loneliness. Adjusting to life without your pet.
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2. Brush Off People Who Suggest It’s ‘Only a Pet’. It’s both frustrating and heartbreaking when a coworker, friend, family member, or neighbor says it’s “only a pet” or “you’ll ...
