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    • Asking Politely
    • Figuring it Out
    • Best Practices

    Find out which pronouns to use (without being awkward about it)

    Occasionally, you may not catch someone's pronouns the first time you meet them. Take a deep breath and politely ask them or a mutual acquaintance. As long as you ask privately, politely, and calmly, you are unlikely to offend them. If you'd rather attempt to find out their gender without asking, try listening to what others call them or picking up on other hints.

    Speak with the person privately and politely ask what their preferred pronouns are.

    Encourage the person to share their pronouns by offering your own first.

    Ask them calmly in a private conversation.

    If you must ask someone's pronoun, wait until you are talking only to them. It can endanger people if their pronoun is questioned in public, and others might simply find the attention unwelcome.

    Ask calmly. If you ask with a lot of nerves, they may feel too awkward to answer.

    Take a deep breath before you ask.

    You might begin by saying, "Hey, do you mind if I ask you something?" or "There's something I realized I never asked you."

    Lead by telling them your pronouns.

    Listen to see how others refer to them.

    If you have common acquaintances, they'll eventually use the person's pronoun. People who know them well will probably use the correct pronoun.

    If you hear people using different pronouns, you can ask one of them which is correct in a private moment.

    Some people do use multiple pronouns, such as "she" and "they," so their friends will not be surprised if you haven't figured it out.

    Bring them up in conversation.

    You can also try asking questions about the person in order to get the other person to use a pronoun.

    If someone's gender presentation is ambiguous, it's not your job to assign them a pronoun. Don't just go for "he," "she," or a non-binary pronoun unless you have learned it.

    There's no need to panic if you can't pin down someone's gender identity the first time you meet them. In the meantime, avoid using gendered language until you do know their gender.

    You can refer to people by their name instead of saying "he" or "she."

    Few people are offended by the gender-neutral pronoun "they" if used in situations where you are not certain.

    Apologize discretely if you use the wrong pronoun.

    If you find out you have been using the wrong pronoun, or if you accidentally misgender someone whose gender identity you know, it's polite to apologize. Find a private moment as soon as you can and say that you're sorry.

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